Pastor’s Corner
To the Men
Church, it is time once again to expose a little bit of my heart and share with you some things I’ve been pondering as of late. The next two weeks are going to be a bit special because I want to address two different audiences. Today I want to speak to the men of the church with a real focus on Fathers. Next week though I plan on addressing the ladies. But, without further adieu, let’s do!
Gender Roles
We are in a day and time where the lines and roles between men and women are blurred. While overall I believe this has had a negative impact, there are certainly some positives that have come from it. I think it’s led men to acknowledge the value of women and appreciate the work they do that generations past took for granted. Women certainly deserve equal pay for equal work. They deserve their perspective and voices to be heard. They deserve great honor and respect from the men around them. As a father of two daughters, I hope this is the world they are able to grow up in. The Bible is pretty clear that there are defined differences and gifts about each gender that God designed to complement one another. But the hard push by the secular culture on issues of gender roles has led to an unbiblical and unsustainable cultural norm.
It is interesting that God announced that this struggle for dominating one another was a consequence of the sin that Adam and Eve introduced into the world. After telling Eve that she will bear children painfully, God says, “Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you,” (Gen. 3:16 CSB). The word for “desire” is somewhat difficult to translate but based on the context, it seems that the “desire” of the woman will be to rule over her man. Obviously, if both parties are trying to rule over one another, conflict is born. It seems that even the man “ruling” over the woman is cast in a negative light. But we must ask the question, how did God originally intend this relationship to work? We can look to Paul for some clarification.
Are you talkin’ to me?
Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the LORD because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church,” (CSB). Funny enough this verse seems to be most quoted by men who desire to get their way in arguments with their spouses. However, Paul is clearly addressing this to women. It’s none of us husbands’ business! Now we should encourage our wives in this but this can only be done if we continue reading this chapter and obey what Paul tells husbands to do. Verses 25 & 26 say, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the Word,” (CSB). Verse 28 continues, “husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” It’s no coincidence that Paul connects the marriage and family relationship to that of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. There is implied importance that Paul is placing on spiritual leadership within the household and that responsibility falls to men, husbands, and fathers.
Fascination with Fathers
We can see the effects when men sluff their God-given responsibilities and women are forced to fill the gaps. Google “statistics on men in the Church” and you’ll see the startling trends. Let’s start with some secular trends first. 33% of the 72 million children in this nation will go to bed without their biological father in the home [1]. That’s almost 24 million kids. Men make up 93% of those incarcerated in our prison system. Of that 93%, 85% of them did not have a father figure in the home growing up [2].
Now, what about the effect of men in relation to faith and the church? If the mother/woman in the family comes to Christ first, there is a 29% chance that the rest of the family will come to Christ. If the husband/man comes to Christ first there is a 95% chance the rest of the family will come to Christ [3]. That is a huge difference! In Church attendance, the average gender make-up of our churches is 61% women and 39% men [4]. Studies have found that the presence of men (or a lack thereof) in the church is a huge factor in dictating whether a church is growing or dying. Hartford Seminary found that more gender-balanced (i.e. closer to 50% women to 50% men) churches are three times more likely to be growing [5]! Those churches that have a higher women’s membership percentage are more likely to be declining. These statistics clearly show us that the Biblical model for male spiritual leadership is the most effective and has the greatest impact on church health and society at large!
Now, don’t get me wrong, women are SIGNIFICANTLY important both within the church and within the home. My greatest spiritual influence on me is my mother. The same is true for Paul’s disciple, Timothy. But men are meant to take the overall lead in spiritual matters both within the home and the church. And with that greater responsibility comes greater consequences should we shirk our duties or do them poorly. It is men that are called to love sacrificially, willing to die for their families. Women have no such instruction from Paul, but it seems to be because they mostly do this naturally. It is us hard-headed men that need to be told!
The Big Why?
If you are like me, you might be wondering “why?” Why are men declining in attendance? Why do fewer men see the importance of not only the Christian faith but of connecting with a faith community? I think there are a few different reasons.
One is a cultural thing. Within the church, there is a heavy emphasis on love, care, and vulnerability. Now certainly, some men are very affectionate, loving, caring, and vulnerable. They have no issue building intimate relationships with others. But I think our culture has pushed for such a hyper-masculinity that they thought of expressing feelings and talking about problems just doesn’t appeal to them. The emotional experiences of many worship services just don’t vibe with a lot of men.
A corollary of this is that a lot of church has become feminized. Statistics are clear that women have by far been the most faithful to remain engaged in church and because of that, women have had a disproportionate influence on the direction and aesthetics of the church. Now, these things aren’t necessarily wrong. Even within my home, I’m thankful that it is my wife that takes care of most of decorating and not me! Otherwise, we’d have blank walls, folding chairs sitting in front of a big screen, and our mattress sitting directly on the floor. Oh and perhaps the most grievous sin of decorating is absolutely no decorative pillows! We would actually be able to use our pillows if it was up to me, (man I got off on a tangent!) I say all this to say, when women disproportionately dictate the aesthetics and direction of a church, it is naturally going to cater more toward women.
Another factor is a lack of high expectations of men. Many, even in the church, expect women to be the ones dragging their reluctant families to church. It is the women that are expected to teach the kids. It is women that are expected to put on the potlucks. It is women that are expected to make up the majority of worship teams. A lot of expectations have been placed on women while churches are just excited to have men sit in the pews and try and stay awake for the sermons.
Lastly, and in connection with all of these, churches just aren’t trying to engage in intentional men’s discipleship and fellowship. Men’s ministries are mostly non-existent, even within larger churches. Sure they might do an annual camping trip or hunt or some other “masculine” thing but there is rarely much follow-up and the spiritual focus usually isn’t there.
What do we need to do about it?
Let’s begin with the most obvious thing…pray! Even though I’m sure people can come up with great strategies from a human level, this issue is spiritual in nature and needs to be approached as such. John 6:44 states that no one comes to Christ unless the Father draws them. That’s what we need most. We need God to draw men to Himself. That way the Lord’s prayer might be fulfilled that God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven. So, the church needs to pray for our men.
Second, we need to raise the expectations for men and push more lay leadership to be taken up by men. I remember hearing a story on NPR about a man that started a kids camp for elementary-aged kids to come and learn to build things using all sorts of power tools. While in our modern world it is hard to think of a 5-year-old using a miter saw, what this man found was that when he raised the expectations of the kids, they would meet them. They would lay out the seriousness and power of the tools at the beginning and expect the kids to act appropriately around them, and they did. The reason why many children can’t handle such responsibility now is that they are coddled and not trusted by parents to handle such powerful tools. So, the kids naturally act within that framework expecting the parent to set the boundaries and tell them yes or no. I feel as though the church has done this to many men. Not enough men are challenged in the church to take on nursery duty or prepare a potluck, or lead the worship team. So, like kids with boundaries put on them, men will inevitably work within the framework of what the church expects of them.
Third, those men that are in the church need to step up, engage in more lay leadership, and destigmatize the intimacy of living life in a faith community. We need to be actively mentoring someone to replicate the ministries we engage in. We cannot sit on our laurels and pat ourselves on the back and think our work is done. We NEED to be replicating. Bring other men, young or old, alongside you and show them the ropes. That’s exactly what Jesus did. He had very close relationships with His 12 male disciples and brought them along during His ministry so that when He left, they would be able to carry the torch. And thank goodness He did! And when our men take on more of these roles, we have to let them add their own male touch to it.
Lastly, when men gather, there needs to be an emphasis on Christ and His Word. One, I think men need to intentionally gather for discipleship more than once or twice a year, and second, when we do gather, we need to stop saying we’re discipling men when we, go on a camping trip, talk about Jesus for a 15-minute devotional, and call it good. That’s not discipleship. And it sends the wrong message. most men will see the devotional time as a temporary inconvenience to the fun they came there to have. We need to organically implement Gospel conversations throughout the entire event. And this can be completely informal. All this happens when the leaders of these ministries are so enraptured with Christ, that they can’t help but talk about Him in everything they do. Other men need to see in their leaders what a Kingdom-saturated life looks like for fathers, husbands, and men in general.
Closing Thoughts
As I close on these thoughts, I want to challenge myself and all of our men to step up. It’s a big challenge. The days of sitting in the pews, mumbling worship songs during service, and mentally checking out during the sermon need to be over if the church wants to even survive, let alone grow. We husbands and fathers need to be avid consumers of God’s Word and bring it home to our families. It can’t just be a Sunday morning thing. We need to show our wives and kids that we pray for them daily. We need to lead. We need to be men of God! Let’s let God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven!
Your Brother,
Pastor Trenton
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